we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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