M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
