i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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