i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
