He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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