if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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