just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I am midnight drunk by noon
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
