I puked a lego.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
