so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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