Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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