The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
