I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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