You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Of course I have a pirate flag
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
