Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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