I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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