Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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