I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
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they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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