I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
