I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
where are you?
Hypothermia
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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