The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
