He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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