Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
