So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Randomize
