i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
