it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
