drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
