I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
