if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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