one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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