I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
