let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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