I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Farmville is her only friend.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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