you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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