I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
