i'm signing you up for texting rehab
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
