how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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