Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
