I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
