i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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