I think my fart just growled at me.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
