i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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