"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
