the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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