I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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