You can't special order awesome
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
