i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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