Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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