As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
