I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
