Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
