I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
