well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
