Tell her she can't have a vagina
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
