You really coming over, don't trick.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
