Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
