Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
