All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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