I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
home. puking in laundry basket.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
