does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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